Nostos

[OPEN W/ PAPA’S STORY]
[PA] CUENCA IS, UH, WELL, LIKE 8,000 FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL, KIND OF LIKE LA PAZ, BOLIVIA OR, OR, OR, UM, BOGOTA, COLUMBIA, YOU KNOW, SURROUNDED WITH MOUNTAINS. AND SO ONCE YOU, UH, YOU HEAD OUT, UM, ALL THE CITIES ARE IN VALLEYS SO THESE VALLEYS OF CUENCA IS, UH, IT’S CALLED EL VALLE DE TOMEBAMBA IT’S ONE THE BIGGEST VALLEYS IN ECUADOR, UH, IS BLESSED WITH FOUR RIVERS, UH, KNOWN THE, ALL THE RIVERS, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY HOW A FRESHWATER THAT, UM, YOU, ONE OF THE REASONS WHY YOU SAW, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE THERE NEVER GO HUNGRY BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU’D HAVE A LITTLE PATCH OF LAND AND YOU COULD GROW ANYTHING THERE.
{EBB OUT SOUNDS AND PA TALKING TO LET MY NARRATION COME THROUGH.}
[MAX] THIS IS PEDRO MALDONADO, MY FATHER. THROUGHOUT MY LIFE HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A CONSISTENTLY GOOD STORYTELLER. I THINK IT’S BECAUSE HE WAITS FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT, WHEN THE MOOD OR THE SITUATION FITS.
HOWEVER, THE STORIES HE RELISHES IN TELLING ARE THOSE OF HIS HOMETOWN OF CUENCA, ECUADOR.

EVERY TIME HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT IT, HIS HANDS START WAVING THROUGH THE AIR AND HE INFLECTS THESE TONES AND STARTS DOING VOICES, THE WHOLE SHABANG.


[PA] IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SCENERY BECAUSE AS YOU GO, YOU KNOW, YOU’RE TURNING A HILL OR A MOUNTAIN, AND THEN THERE IS ANOTHER MOUNTAIN, YOU KNOW, LIKE RIGHT ACROSS LIKE TWO, THREE MILES AWAY, YOU CAN SEE THE ROAD LIKE SNEAKING AROUND.

[PA] BUT I REMEMBER GOING TO THIS, IN THIS TRIP ON, UH, AND WE WERE GOING DOWN SLOW. THEN THERE IS, YOU KNOW, HIS FLOCK OF BIRDS COMES FLYING INTO THE STREET AND MY FATHER SAYS,
“OH, THIS IS GREAT. IT’S GOING TO BE A GOOD START!”
[PA]SO HE SAYS, YEAH, WELL, GO TAKE YOUR FIRST SHOT,” BECAUSE I WAS THE, YOU KNOW, THEY GET THE MAIN GUESTS BECAUSE I JUST CAME BACK FROM THE US, YOU KNOW, AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS. SO THEY GAVE ME THE SHOTGUN. I HAVE A FREAKING HELD A SHOT, SHOTGUN. AS SOON AS I WAS LIKE A LITTLE KID, YOU KNOW,

[PA]I MEAN, THESE ARE LIKE LITTLE, LIKE LITTLE LIKE CHICKENS, YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE CHICKENS. I MEAN, THERE’S NO MEAT ON THESE THINGS AND YOU KNOW, I MEAN, HE CAN, YOU CAN EVEN FIND, SO, AS I SAID, HE WAS MORE THAN HIS KIDS TO GO ON AND GET DRUNK AND STUFF.

[PA] SO I’M LIKE STANDING UNDER THE TREE AND I SEE LIKE A BUNCH OF BIRDS, YOU KNOW, AND I’M THINKING HOLY COW, YOU KNOW, SO IF YOU THINK IS SHOT, THEN YOU, YOU KNOW, YOU THINK OF THESE FOUR OR FIVE BIRDS IN ONE SHOT, YOU KNOW? CAUSE, UH, ALL THE, ALL THE AMMUNITION THIS ONE GOES LIKE FLYING ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I’M THINKING, YOU KNOW, WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO KILL THESE POOR BASTARD BIRDS? YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING, I DON’T WANT HIM TO START MY DAY BY KILLING THESE POOR CREATURES. SO I WENT OUT AND SHOT THE SHOT TO THE SIDE, AND THEN, YOU KNOW, ALL THE BIRDS JUST FLEW AWAY. I, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY GETS OUT OF THE BUS, YOU KNOW, AND SEE WHERE THE BIRDS ARE. THAT I KILLED AND THERE’S LIKE, NONE.

I SHOT IN BETWEEN THE BIRDS, I DON’T KNOW, YOU KNOW, THEY JUST DON’T WHAT, BUT I DIDN’T TELL HIM, YOU KNOW, I JUST DIDN’T WANT TO KILL THEM
[PA] THE DAMN BIRDS
{BEGIN A SLOW TRANSITION OUT OF THE STORY W/ A FEELING OF WIND SOUNDS AND RECEDING FLUTTERING OF WINGS}
[MAX] NOSTALGIA. IT’S THAT SENSATION THAT YOU GET WHEN YOU EAT A WARM MEAL THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMETHING YOUR MOM MADE FOR YOU. OR IT’S THAT WAVE OF MEMORIES OF BOTH THE FUN AND THE FRUSTRATING WHEN YOU FIRE UP A GAME THAT YOU PLAYED WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD. IT’S ACTUALLY WHAT GOT ME INTERESTED IN FIGURING OUT WHAT MEMORY WAS AND HOW OUR INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCES SHAPE US.
{BEGIN TO SLOW DOWN OF VOICE}
RECALL.
RECALL.
{HAVE MY VOICE SLOW TO A CRAWL AND FADE AWAY}
RECALL.
RECALL.
RECALL.
{AUDIO FADES}

[MAX] I THINK THAT IS WHY I AM SO INVOLVED IN MY HOBBY OF PHOTOGRAPHY, BECAUSE WHENEVER I LOOK BACK ON A PHOTO IT TRANSPORTS ME BACK TO THE MOMENT WHEN I CLICKED THE SHUTTER. THE SMELLS, THE SOUNDS, THE FEELING OF THE WEATHER AT THAT MOMENT…
HOWEVER, I HAVE THIS ANXIETY OF FORGETTING… AND I THINK I CAN TRACE IT BACK TO MY GRANDMOTHER.
[MAX] I REMEMBER THE DAYS SPENT AT GRANDMA’S. HER HOME SMELLED OF DUST AND ROSE PERFUME. WHEN YOU OPENED HER FRIDGE SHE ALWAYS HAD HER OBLIGATORY DEVILED EGGS. HER BACK YARD WAS ALSO OVERGROWN AND THE MANGO TREES WERE WILD AND FILLED WITH FRUIT IN THE SUMMERS.
[MAX] I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS 8 AND MY BROTHER WAS 6, WE DUG 7 FEET INTO THE GROUND. MY GRANDMOTHER OCCASIONALLY COMES OUT TO MAKE SURE THAT WE WERE HAVING FUN… AND TO MAKE SURE WE HADN’T DIED OF DEHYDRATION IN THE FLORIDA HEAT.

[MAX] MY BROTHER AND I HAD REMEMBERED FROM A CARTOON THAT IF YOU DUG FAR ENOUGH YOU WOULD END UP IN CHINA. NEEDLESS TO SAY, OUR EXHAUSTED LITTLE BODIES WERE RUNNING PURELY ON IMAGINATION.

[MAX] I REMEMBER HOW MUCH DIRT HAD FOUND ITS WAY INTO MY SKETCHERS, AND I CAN STILL HEAR MY MOM YELLING AT US WHEN SHE CAME TO PICK US UP. I REMEMBER THE DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN SHE TOLD US THAT OUR HOURS OF WORK WOULD NEED TO BE FILLED IN.

[MAX] WE SWORE THAT CHINA WAS JUST A FEW FEET DEEPER.

[MAX] HOWEVER, EVEN THOUGH TIME GAVE MY GRANDMOTHER HER EXPERIENCES, IT ALSO MADE HER FORGET THEM. IN MY FAMILY, I’VE SEEN HOW A PERSON CAN DISAPPEAR WHILE THEY SIT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

[SHANNON] MY GRANDMOTHER’S NAME WAS MYRL OWENS, MYRL, M Y R L WAS EVEN THEN A VERY UNUSUAL NAME AND HER MAIDEN NAME WAS ROBININSON. MY GRANDFATHER WAS IRVIN. I R V I N E OWEN’S. SO SHE WAS MYRL OWENS AFTER SHE WAS MARRIED.

[MAX] THIS IS MY SHANNON, MY MOM AND THE GRANDDAUGHTER OF MYRL.
[SHANNON] MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER LIVED TO BE 95. SHE WAS A SLIGHT WOMAN WHO SPOKE QUIETLY, BUT EVEN WHEN I WAS A KID SHE SPOKE TO ME THE SAME WAY THAT SHE WOULD TALK TO ANY ADULT.
[SHANNON] WHEN SHE WAS IN HER 20S, SHE WAS ONE OF THE THOUSANDS OF WOMEN THAT HELPED MANUFACTURE AIRCRAFT DURING WW2. AFTER MY GREAT GRANDFATHER IRVINE OWENS PASSED AWAY, MY GRANDMOTHER, IN 70S AT THE TIME, RAN HIS WESTERN AUTO STORE AND MAINTAINED ALL THE RENTAL HOUSES THAT THEY HAD IN RIVIERA BEACH. SHE WAS A FORCE TO SAY THE LEAST.
[SHANNON] HOWEVER, MY GRANDMOTHER DEVELOPED DEMENTIA IN HER LATE 80S, AND I WATCHED THE WOMAN THAT I HAD GROWN UP WITH SLOWLY START TO FORGET HER LIFE. SO IN AN ATTEMPT TO HELP, MY MOM MOVED HER IN WITH US…

[SHANNON] SO. IT WAS FINE FOR THE FIRST COUPLE OF DAYS. AND THEN MY GRANDMOTHER WOULD JUST START LIKE RANDOMLY FALLING ASLEEP IN DIFFERENT PLACES, LIKE IN A CHAIR OR ON A COUCH. AND , SHE WAS ALWAYS LIKE LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN AND THE DOGS WERE ESCAPING AND I WOULD TELL HER, PLEASE, DON’T LEAVE THE DOORS OPEN.

[SHANNON] AND SHE WOULD GO OUTSIDE AND WANDER AROUND AND I’D HAVE TO FIND HER SOMETIMES TO BRING HER BACK IN , THAT WASN’T THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM WAS WHEN SHE GOT VIOLENT WITH YOU GUYS. SO IF SHE WAS SLEEPING AND YOU GUYS WOKE HER UP, SHE WOULD WAKE UP INCREDIBLY ANGRY AND START YELLING AT, I DON’T PROBABLY NOT USE SO MUCH, BUT LIKE ALEX AND SOPHIA SPECIALLY, AND THEN ONE TIME SOPHIA . JUST WENT TO WAKE HER UP TO TELL HER.

[SHANNON] SHE WENT GRANDMA, GRANDMA TO LIKE WAKE HER UP AND MY GRANDMA AND, AND SHE HIT HER, SHE WOKE UP AND SHE SMACKED HER SO HARD. SHE WENT DOWN.

[SHANNON] YEAH. AND, UM, SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE HAD DONE. LIKE SHE, LIKE, LITERALLY DIDN’T KNOW WHAT SHE HAD DONE. AND I SAID, THIS, THIS ISN’T. BE ABLE TO WORK. AND I TALKED TO MY UNCLE AND HER, HER SON, AND, UH, THAT’S WHEN WE MOVED HER TO, UM, THE ASSISTED LIVING, WHICH WAS REALLY NICE. AND I MEAN, WE WENT TO SEE HER ALL THE TIME.

[SHANNON] I WOULD GO TO SEE HER I SPEND LIKE, YOU KNOW, A COUPLE HOURS, GENERALLY I WOULD GO THE FOLLOWING DAY TO SEE HER AGAIN. AND I WOULD GO THERE AND SHE WOULD BE LIKE, OH, IT’S YOU? AND I’M LIKE, HI, MAAMA ON SHE’S LIKE, HI.

[SHANNON] AND SHE’D SOME, MOST OF THE TIME SHE’D STILL KNOW MY NAME. SHANNON. BUT SHE’D BE LIKE, “I HAVEN’T .SEEN YOU IN FOREVER. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, WHY HAVEN’T YOU BEEN TO SEE ME?” AND IT WOULD BE HORRIFYING TO THINK THAT SHE HAD NO IDEA THAT I HAD BEEN THERE JUST THE DAY BEFORE AND THAT SHE FELT LIKE SHE’D BEEN ABANDONED AND ALONE BECAUSE HER SENSE OF TIME HAD JUST COMPLETELY GONE.

[SHANNON] LIKE SHE HAD NO SENSE OF TIME. SO ONE HOUR TO HER PROBABLY FELT LIKE MONTHS.

[SHANNON] . I THINK THAT’S WHY A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST GIVE UP, GOING TO SEE PEOPLE. BUT IF THAT’S THE WORST THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO, YOU SHOULD JUST GO SEE THEM MORE. THAT’S ALL YOU CAN DO.

[MAX] MY GRANDMOTHER PASSED IN 2013, WHEN I WAS 17. I REMEMBER WE HAD PERFECT FUNERAL WEATHER WHEN SHE WAS BEING LAID TO REST. OVERCAST AND SLIGHTLY DRIZZLY.

[MAX]TODAY MY UNCLE ROARKE LIVES IN THAT HOUSE, BUT NOW THERE IS NO FAINT SMELL OF ROSE PERFUME AND THERE IS NO DEVILED EGGS IN THE FRIDGE. THE MANGO TREES ARE STILL THERE, BUT NOW THEY’RE NEATLY TRIMMED BACK AND TAMED.

[MAX] MY GRANDMOTHER’S PASSING LEFT AN IMPRESSION ON ME, AND IT MADE ME SO AWARE OF WHAT MEMORY AND, PARTICULARLY, NOSTALGIA WHAT NOSTALGIA WAS.

[MAX] I WAS CURIOUS ABOUT WHY WE GET THIS WAY AND WHERE IT COMES FROM. WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES AND WHY DO OUR BRAINS SUDDENLY DECIDE TO PULL THESE MEMORIES?

[MAX] AT THE END I COULDN’T FIGURE IT OUT FOR MYSELF, SO I DECIDED TO LOOK FOR SOMEONE WHO COULD TELL ME.

[CLAY] SO MY NAME IS CLAY RUTLEDGE. I’M A PROFESSOR OF BUSINESS AT NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY.

[CLAY] AN EXISTENTIAL PSYCHOLOGIST IS SOMEONE WHO SPECIFICALLY IS INTERESTED IN THE PSYCHOLOGY OF THE BIG QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN,

[CLAY] AND SO BEING HUMAN MEANS WE CAN ASK QUESTIONS OR CONTEMPLATE ISSUES THAT AS FAR AS WE KNOW OTHER ORGANISMS, AND THAT, YOU KNOW, RENDERS IS CAPABLE OF, OF BEING CONCERNED ABOUT THINGS LIKE MEANING IN LIFE AND THOSE BIG ISSUES. AND SO THAT’S REALLY WHAT FUNDAMENTALLY WHAT I DO. AND WITHIN THAT AREA OF WORK, I DO QUITE A BIT OF RESEARCH ON THE SCIENCE OF NOSTALGIA.

[MAX] I REACHED OUT TO CLAY TO SEE IF HE COULD GIVE ME SOME MORE INSIGHT INTO THE FIELD AND TO GIVE ME A HANDLE ON WHAT NOSTALGIA WAS AND WHY OUR MEMORIES ARE SO BITTER SWEET AT TIMES.

[CLAY] SO NOSTALGIA IS A COMBINATION OF, OF COGNITION. AND SO THOSE ARE THE THOUGHTS WE HAVE, AND THAT REALLY IS ABOUT MEMORY. SO NOSTALGIA IS ASSOCIATED WITH MEMORIES, UM, BUT IT’S ALSO EMOTIONAL. SO IT ISN’T JUST COLD MEMORIES. WE’RE NOT JUST PLAYING BACK MEMORIES IN OUR HEAD WITH, WITH NO FEELING, RIGHT. WE, THERE, THERE, THERE ARE STRONG, MOST EMOTIONS ASSOCIATED WITH NOSTALGIA.

[CLAY] THEY TEND TO BE WARM EMOTIONS. WHEN WE THINK BACK ABOUT MEMORIES THAT WE JUDGE TO BE NOSTALGIC, WE TEND TO HAVE WARM FEELINGS TOWARDS IT. BUT ALSO WHAT I THINK IS REALLY COOL ABOUT NOSTALGIA, WHICH MAKES IT DISTINCT FROM OTHER EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES. IS THE COMPLEX EMOTIONAL NATURE OF IT.

[CLAY] IT’S, IT’S WHAT WE MIGHT CALL AN AMBIVALENT EMOTION OR A MIXED EMOTION. AND THAT IT’S LARGELY POSITIVE, BUT THERE IS THIS TENGE OF SADNESS OR LOSS BECAUSE OFTEN NOSTLAGIA IS ABOUT EXPERIENCES OR THINGS THAT WE FEEL LIKE ARE GONE IN SOME WAY, AND WE LONG TO RECONNECT WITH THEM. AND SO THERE IS THAT BIT OF, UH, OF SADNESS AND THEN,

[CLAY] MAKING EVEN A MORE RICH, EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE. NOSTALGIA HAS A FLAVOR OF WHAT I WOULD CALL GRATITUDE OR APPRECIATION. LIKE WHEN WE, WE DON’T LOOK BACK AND JUST FEEL HAPPY OR SAD, WE FEEL APPRECIATIVE THAT WE’VE HAD EXPERIENCES IN OUR LIFE THAT WE CHERISH. AND SO THOSE CHERISHED MEMORIES AND OUR FEELINGS TOWARDS THEM REALLY CAPTURE THE NOSTALGIC EXPERIENCE..

[CLAY] AND SO NOT SURPRISINGLY NOSTALGIA TAKES ON. DISTINCT OR ARE UNIQUE FLAVORS FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

[CLAY] WE CAN THINK OF NOSTALGIA AS KIND OF PART OF WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL A PSYCHOLOGICAL IMMUNE SYSTEM. LIKE THERE’S SOME TYPE OF SOMETHING THAT TRIGGERS A NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL STATE AND WE DON’T LIKE THAT. AND SO WE, YOU KNOW, IT’S NOSTALGIA IS NOT THE ONLY RESOURCE WE CAN DEPLOY, BUT IT’S ONE OF THE RESOURCES WE HAVE THAT CAN HELP US FIGURE OUT, UM, NOT JUST HOW TO FEEL BETTER RIGHT NOW, BUT ALSO LIKE HOW TO TAKE ACTION.

[MAX] NOSTALGIA’S PURPOSE IS TO MAKE US FEEL A PART OF SOMETHING AND THAT THE MOMENTS THAT WE LIVE THROUGH ARE ALWAYS SERVING US INTO THE PRESENT. EVEN THOUGH WE FEEL SAD OUR MEMORIES ARE THERE TO REMIND US THAT WHATEVER PRESSURES WE ARE EXPERIENCING IN THE PRESENT, OUR MINDS REFLEXIVELY ATTEMPT TO PULL UP A GOOD MEMORY THAT IS SIMILAR TO THE MOMENT WE ARE EXPERIENCING AND BRINGS US A SLIGHT CALM EVERYTIME WE DO. SO EVEN THOUGH NOSTALGIA IS US LOOKING INTO THE PAST IT IS INFLUENCING HOW WE CARRY OURSELVES IN THE FUTURE.

[CLAY] IT REMINDS PEOPLE THAT LIFE IS FULL OF EXPERIENCES OF POSITIVE SOCIAL CONNECTIONS, AND THEY CAN GET BACK OUT THERE AND DO THINGS. AND SO REGARDLESS OF THE SPECIFIC MOTIVATION, WHETHER IT’S SOCIAL CONNECTIONS, MEANING THEM. SELF-ESTEEM NOSTALGIA HAS THIS REGULATORY FUNCTION OF HELPING PEOPLE GET OUT OF THAT BAD STATE AND GET BACK ON TRACK TO LIVING A MORE FLOURISHING LIFE.

NOSTOS WAS PRODUCED AND EDITED BY ME, MAX MALDONADO.

I WANT TO THANK MY PARENTS, SHANNON AND PEDRO MALDONADO FOR SHARING THEIR STORIES.

ALSO THANK YOU TO DR. CLAY ROUTLEDGE OF NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY FOR HUMORING ME IN THIS JOURNEY THROUGH PAST MOMENTS THAT LIVE ON WITHIN US.

THE MUSIC THAT YOU HEARD WAS FRAGILE BY SPOC.